Illustration by Violetarojo, self portrait copyright Petra Maricela Thompson Violetarojo.
Self Portrait ©Petra Maricela Thompson Violetarojo

Will my quest to find myself span my entire life... unfortunately it seems to me as if it will. Journey's sometimes have very difficult pathways and time tables as well as wills of their own. So like the willow I must learn to bend so that I am not tumbled over by the storms. When my heart is sad and coiled with heavy jagged burdens I must call on the ancient ways. I make my way through the blistering noise and search a quiet place where I can close my eyes until I can see with clarity once more. When I allow myself to be surrounded by toxic waste I anoint my head with holy oil. I eat and drink no more that I be cleansed by the fasting rituals from days of old. When I have fallen and land broken and disgraced I get on my knees and pray for forgiveness. I know as I forgive the trespasses of others who trespass against me I am forgiven. Bless me Father with fire that I may always want to live and love.

There is no surety that the outcome of my search will ever bare fruitful results and reveal my true origins. Either way in the end, death shall detract the highest price of all. Life itself as I know it will transcend from this planet to the spiritual realm. I am made of clay; I will be ash, bone, flesh and blood no more. In those moments as I leave this world with my last breath I shall pass through utter darkness. I will taste the greatest pain that I have ever known as I am separated from myself, from my soul and from my God. God of my forefathers and mothers, Ruth, Naomi, Sarah, Abraham and Isaac; it is there in that dark place where who I am and where I am from shall be revealed to me. This I know and trust with all my heart, soul, body and mind.

So while I am here on this planet and I can still feel oxygen from heaven passing to my nostrils and to my lungs, I want to live. I chose the greatest power, which is God. I strive towards amplifying all that I hold dear and believe in; l love over hate, good over evil, faith over disbelieve, hope over despair, light over darkness and kiss over kill. When the human pulse of all that is you and I stops beating my heart then and there is when I want to die.